Today though I took my "before" photos....let me tell ya, the title of this blog rings true. Pardon me while I go invest in 100 spanks tank tops for the time being.
So I managed to do all 3 of the reps...cylces...whatever the hell they're called (clearly I don't speak fitness) but let me tell ya by the third one I was ready to collapse. I don't understand the masochists that enjoy working out and claim they love the pain because pain means progress. Maybe it's because I'm at the beginning and struggling to envision the results.
See this is my problem. Other people I talk to say things like "I just picture how good I'll look/feel" after a hard workout. For me I'm just praying that the pain I feel in my knee and back don't cripple me for the rest of the week. I'm a negative nancy, I know. I know I just need to work through the pain but being laid up from my back in the past has left me with this irrational fear that makes me baby myself.
Also had an interesting/very maddening conversation this week. Things are smoothed over now but at the time I was so angry and frustrated. It all stemmed from a friend who follows my Pinterest. Now I pin everything...clothes that don't fit, nails that aren't practical as a nursing aide, places I want to see, wedding plans that my perpetually single ass will never use...the usual stuff. Well in this case I pinned a recipie, not just any recipie, one for dark Chocolate cake, much like the one in the picture I've included. I pinned it to a board called "must try to make", a board that has everything from easy peesy "healthy" recipies down to a freaking 10 layer multi flavoured rosette decorated cake. So in other words stuff that looks good that I may or not make, for whatever reason.
Now, a friend of mine took it upon themselves to make a comment along the lines of "you won't lose weight if you make and eat that cake". I get it, being public about this journey means that some people will take it upon themselves to try to hold me accountable. I get that they care but shaming the shit out of someone for just even thinking about something that looks/tastes amazing is not helpful. The conversation continued with me saying a not so polite version of "thanks tips" followed by ne explaining the point of my Pinterest. I already knew this person was in the "if I fat shame you it's my way of trying to open your eyes and help you on your journey camp" and that they view fat shaming as a positive thing.
But here's the thing, it's not.
By shaming me they didn't motivate me, they didn't put me in the "oh yeah watch this" frame of mind that they thought it would do, it made me angry, but not at myself, at them. It made me feel a bit discouraged in fact, it made me wonder why I was bothering, but then the more I thought about it I also wondered...why did I care? I'm not doing this for anyone but me.
If I can't get through a full work out because it is just too painful or I just can't get my arms up one more time or can't get into that last set of squats because my knee is grinding too painfully, that's okay. You know why? Because at least I have two previous rounds that I did manage to get through and that's something to be proud of not ashamed of. It gives me something to work towards. So what if I can only do 10 pushups right now, that just means that in a couple weeks maybe I'll be strong enough to do 15 and then a couple weeks after that 20. I refuse to kill my body over what someone else might think of the work I am doing.
I think that this realisation means that this time, I'll actually be successful!
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